"Done Is Better Than Perfect": Softening the Grip of Perfectionism Without Losing Your Standards

'Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order."

Anne Wilson Schaef

Perfectionism wears a very convincing costume. It shows up as dedication, discipline, and excellence. It earns praise and quiet admiration. It feels like a badge of honor that you have "high standards", that you care and that you tried.

But more often than not, perfectionism is actually keeping you stuck, rather than pushing you towards success. It keeps you trapped in a cycle of endless hiding, tweaking, second-guessing, and waiting for the moment when your work finally feels “ready.” And asmany recovering perfectionists will tell you, that moment rarely comes.

"If you seek perfection, you are trapped in performance."

Sarah Poet 

The Truth About Perfectionism

Perfectionism isn't inherently harmful or bad. It blends seamlessly and quietly into everyday life, looking like

• arriving early

• staying late

• cleaning up

• waiting for prais

• going above and beyond

  
  

It looks so good on the outside, as a shiny reflection of one's character, but the damage it causes on the inside is real.

“Perfectionism is fear in a fancy dress.”

Julia Cameron

Perfectionism is ultimately driven by fear:

• Fear of failure

• Fear of judgment

• Fear of rejection

• Fear of uncertainty

• Fear of not being good enough

• Even fear of success

Perfectionism thrives in family and work cultures that reward overfunctioning and overachieving. Because both systems benefit from unpaid labor, of course!

The problem with perfectionism is that it puts focus on flaws and mistakes rather than growth, learning and solutions.

A Tool of the Patriarchy

Perfectionism is a core trait of toxic white supremacy culture. Over generations it has created a society that

• Normalizes unrealistic standards

• Has low tolerance for mistakes

• Defines worth through productivity and performance

• Treats errors as personal failures rather than part of learning

1. It creates shame, not growth. Perfectionism turns mistakes into moral failures. Instead of asking “What can we learn?” it asks “Who’s at fault?” This shuts down curiosity, creativity, and repair—the exact conditions needed for real growth.

2. It enforces control and compliance. When people are afraid to mess up, they:

• Self-police

• Avoid risk

• Defer to authority

• Stay quiet rather than challenge harm

That keeps power concentrated and unchallenged.

3. It privileges dominant norms. Standards of “professionalism,” “correctness,” and “excellence” are often based on white, Western, capitalist norms—while being framed as neutral or universal. Anyone who doesn’t conform is labeled “unprofessional,” “emotional,” or “not rigorous enough.”

4. It discourages collective learning. Perfectionism isolates. If mistakes are punishable, people hide them.But justice, healing, and innovation require experimentation, feedback, and repair—all impossible in a perfectionist culture.

Shame is the enemy of growth. It communicates:

• “You are the problem.”

• “Don’t try again.”

• “Stay small and invisible.”

Growth requires the opposite: Safety, Iteration, Honesty, Authenticity, Acceptance. It's about the ability to fail without being devalued.

Deep down, the institution of perfectionism is about power, manipulation, and control, making people afraid to be human.

Not all perfectionists are neurodivergent, and not all neurodivergent people are perfectionists — but the overlap is real.

If mistakes once led to shame, withdrawal, or punishment, then you quickly learned from there: I have to be better. I have to try harder. Don’t mess up. Don’t risk it. Over time, this becomes an automatic survival strategy.

Perfectionism ultimately has good intentions: self-protection. It’s your inner child acting out and trying to achieve a sense of love, approval, belonging, and safety. Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that being perfect meant being safe — and messing up meant rejection, criticism or abandonment.

Perfectionist Scale

• Mild: high standards, attention to detail, motivation, aversion to failure, fear of mistakes, procrastination, self-reflection, masking distress

• Moderate: rigid or unrealistic standards, harsh inner critic, procrastination, analysis paralysis, chronic stress, rejection sensitivity, hyperfocus

• Severe: all-or-nothing thinking, constant striving, impaired relationships, physical symptoms, burnout cycle, chronic comparison

The catch 22 of perfectionism: Trying to be perfect in relationships and work and is often what keeps love and money just out of reach.

The Perfectionism & Procrastination Connection

Perfectionism is often just procrastination in disguise. They are two sides of the same nervous-system response: an attempt to keep you safe.

When stress is high, the nervous system cycles through fight, flight, fawn — and eventually freeze. Perfectionism keeps you striving. Procrastination shuts you down.

The cruel irony is that perfectionism drains the very energy it claims to protect. Too much adrenaline and cortisol eventually lead to exhaustion, shutdown, or depression.

Shame then enters the picture, triggering another round of self-improvement… and the cycle continues.

"Experimentation is the antidote to perfectionism. You can’t fail an experiment. You can only learn."

Taylor Elyse Morrison

el

The Line Between Excellence & Burnout

For chronic overachievers, what is the line between "doing your best" and "doing too much"?

• Doing your best feels focused, engaged, and sustainable. You can stop, rest, and return without guilt. Your energy replenishes and reciprocates. It's "good enough", without lowering your standards.

• Going beyond that line feels compulsive. You’re feeding anxiety. You keep pushing even when quality drops, your body protests, and rest feels impossible.

  
  

A simple test: If continuing requires self-harm or self-betrayal — ignoring hunger, hydration, sleep, pain, or values — you’ve crossed the line.

“Perfection is the mountain that has no peak.” 

Emma Norris

Affirmations To Ground

Here are some nervous-system-friendly affirmations for perfectionism — not the toxic-positivity kind, but the kind that actually help your body soften and let go:

For releasing pressure

• I don’t need to be perfect to be valued or worthy.

• Progress is allowed to be messy.

• I can stop without something bad happening.

• Good enough is genuinely good enough.

• I hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

For calming fear and self-criticism

• Mistakes are not emergencies.

• I am allowed to learn as I go.

• If something goes wrong, I can repair it.

• My inner critic is trying to protect me, and I can thank it without obeying it.

• Nothing about this moment requires perfection.

For nervous system regulation

• My body tells me when it has done enough, and I listen respectfully.

• Rest is not a reward; it is a requirement.

• It is safe to slow down.

• I can choose ease without losing momentum.

For action without paralysis

• Done moves my life forward more than perfect ever could.

• I can take the next small step and adjust later.

• Imperfection builds confidence.

• I don’t have to see the whole path to take one step.

For worth beyond achievement

• My value does not increase when I overperform.

• I am allowed to exist without proving anything.

• Being human is not a failure state.

• I am worthy even when I am unfinished.

One powerful reframe is turning rigid goals into fun and flexible "quests." Think about the heroes journey: They aren't timid or controlling. They're curious and persistent. They adapt, adjust, improvise, overcome and evolve through the story. Every mistake is a plot twist, a detour inviting more excitement and adventure.

The Cure for Perfectionism

When your nervous system experiences proof — again and again — that you can mess up and still be loved, supported, paid, and connected, perfectionism finally loosens its grip.

This is true in relationships. It’s true in career. It’s true in creative work. The fix lies in learning repair.

Perfectionism says: Achieve more to be worthy. Integration says: Listen inward to feel whole.

When action comes from inner guidance instead of fear, satisfaction replaces striving. You stop chasing an impossible standard and start building something that feels true, balanced and aligned. And that’s where your best work actually comes from.

'You’re not a perfectionist. You’re scared."

Charlotte Grimm

Wrapping It Up

Let's trade perfectionism for something far more human:

• accountability instead of blame

• learning instead of punishment

• experimentation instead of optimization

• repair instead of disposability

• humanity instead of performance.

  
  

When we loosen perfectionism’s grip, we make space for growth that’s honest, sustainable, and collective. That’s why dismantling perfectionism isn’t just personal healing—it’s cultural and political work, too.